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Tuesday, January 9, 2024

The story of our perfect home birth

All photos by Claire Mandrycky from The Birth Story Collective

Prelude

Since 2010, we’ve known not to ask people about their personal family choices, right? We don’t ask women if they’re pregnant (unless they’re at least 7 months big). We don’t ask whether or when they’ll have children. We mind our own business and respect their privacy.


Some people buck the system.


One person changed my life.


Enter Madeline, a baby-loving friend’s baby-loving midwife. (You see where this is going...) We met at a friend’s party and, while chatting, she asked - she straight-up asked! - if we were going to have anymore children. Well, no, I explained. See, with my firstborn’s medical complexities and additional surgeries on her horizon, I didn’t feel comfortable adding another kiddo to the mix. Plus, having to split myself so thoroughly to care for infant twins was excruciating on my heart, and I didn’t want to split my attentions again.


But, Madeline said, what if another kid were another member of my firstborn’s team? What if having another sibling were a good thing for her.


Oh. Oh goodness.


Five months later, I was pregnant with our third child.

Chapter 1

As days passed by and we came to the 41st week of gestation, a small pressure came to our minds. This really could be the day. Some fears of the pain would come for me. Some fears of the length of labor. “What if I become overwhelmed again and can’t make it to the birth on my own?” But, being afraid wasn’t the end of those moments.


I read somewhere that fear is a natural part of the process. Even if you’ve birthed before, birth is still unknown and still intense. It’s nothing to fear, but fear makes sense. And - bravery makes sense, too.


I worked to not feed the fears and didn’t give them much time. Instead, I fed the bravery, though if I’m honest, I really didn’t spend much time dwelling on either the fear or the bravery. I just moved on to whatever was next in my day or I thought about what my dream birth looked like.


Cozy, close, quiet, undisturbed. Safe and protected. Unremarkable. Simple and straightforward. And then getting to meet and see and hold my baby and discover what we would call them. (We did not learn the sex beforehand, just like with our twin daughters.)

 

 


 

Chapter 2

Sunday, November 26, dawned with no baby to show for it. I was glad to go to church for what might be one more time to partake of the sacrament, for myself and my baby, Afterward, we went home for a relaxed afternoon, though Caleb did take the girls to pick out a Christmas tree. “This might be our last free weekend,” he said.


While they were gone, I did some kitchen work and made another batch of spoonable pumpkin chai to stow away for my postpartum meals. I cleaned a bit, too, until I heeded my husband’s words to me before he left: “you’re going to be birthing a baby soon. Rest while we’re gone.”


Rest looked like laying in bed, listening to podcast and playing on my phone. I was also timing my contractions with the Freya app (I highly recommend - I loved their analytics feature).


After a little bit, I noticed some consistency to some contractions I was feeling. They seemed to be about 8 minutes apart, and I realized that the onset of the next one had become reliable, not random. I still wasn’t certain that this was labor for about an hour, I think. The first sign I should have recognized was how I did not want to participate in decorating the tree. I decidedly wanted to be in bed, alone.


This was around 4pm. Around 5pm, I was reading a fairytale to my daughters while they cuddled in my bed. Whenever a contraction came, I would have to pause my reading and close my eyes for a while. The girls noticed something was different. Caleb noticed something was different. He decided that today was the day before I did and told me to call the midwife to let her know (6pm).


This was also the time when I started to vocalize a bit during some of my contractions.


After finishing dinner, I went to my bed to rest. Caleb started to move the girls toward bedtime. At 7pm, he told me he wanted to ping the doula team. I did not need a doula at this point and didn't see how having them at our home would help, but our entire birth team was hired, not just to support me, but to support Caleb and I. So of course I let him make that call.

Chapter 3

Claire, our doula from The Birth Story Collective, arrived at our home at 8:15pm, once our daughters were in bed. Claire is the doula who was on call for when Emma Jane and Caroline were born, and when I came out of my bedroom to request more electrolyte water, I was glad she was the doula on call for this birth, too.

 

I told her it was good to see her, I was totally fine, and I apologized for how it would probably be a long time until the birth. “I hope you brought a book or something,” I said. She said that of course it was nothing to apologize for and that she would be here for however long we needed her. (8:45pm)


I had been able to get a few winks of sleep in between contractions and went back into my dark and cozy room for more rest. This time, though, I wasn’t able to get back into that sleep zone. After a while of trying to get deeper rest, I asked if Caleb would come and read to me in bed (The Hidden Life of Trees).


Caleb got through about a chapter of the book before I realized that he should be trying to rest, too. “Yeah, Claire suggested I take a nap,” he said, so we sent him off to rest on the office couch, and I went back to catching rest in between contractions alone.

 

Claire visited me in my room at 9:45. I had dim lighting on in the dark room, and I heard her say “it’s so cozy in here.” Cozy and womb-like was part of my vision for my laboring environment, and this was definitely the vibe that night. Claire helped me get warm as I had started to feel really chilly and gave me some space so that I could remain alone like I wanted.


It didn’t take long before I noticed some of my contractions feeling intensely uncomfortable. I had to remind myself to breathe and release. I told myself over and over again, “soften, open, surrender,” but those toe-curling contractions sometimes hit me really hard. I decided to shift from lying in bed to standing next to the bed with my arms on the bed supporting me (like an sideways "L"). This helped make the contractions more manageable, though some of them would still sneak in some great pain.


Around 10pm, I called for Claire and asked her to bring a stool for me to sit on while I rested between these contractions. She put a pillow on the stool for me to make it even gentler on my body, and she helped me remember to breathe and relax when my body got wildly tense.


Knowing that each contraction was temporary and that I could count on getting some rest between them helped keep my mind steady. There was no fear there, except for the few times during early labor when I was wondering, “is this really labor, or is it going to stop and then I’ll have to do this all over again when our time really has come?”


Claire suggested we time some contractions so we could give the midwife the info. Still able to talk lucidly between most contractions, I pulled my phone over to her, excitedly showing her the Freya app I was using to track contractions. “This thing is great!” As she timed, we continued to chat between contractions. I told her a small story about Caroline, and we were just about to get into dissing on my past OB when I needed more rest and stopped talking.

 

At some point, I noticed an energy shift in me - there was a new kind of opening and deepening. Something very intimate and sensual, reminiscent of very connected sex. I commented on this and joked that Claire should avert her eyes, but having her presence felt comforting, a bit like having a guardian. (I’m really, really thankful that I had Claire there, who I fully trusted and felt safe enough to be in this extremely vulnerable place with.)


These contractions Claire timed were 5-2 minutes apart. Earlier, I had said to Claire, “can you be the one to keep an eye out for when we need to call the midwife?” I only wanted to focus on my body, not logistics. After seeing how close together these contractions were, Claire said it would be a good time to call the midwife. I switched over to the phone app on my phone for her and continued doing my thing while she made the call. That was at 10:58pm.


Chapter 4

A few minutes later, my contractions switched from the intense pressure kind over to what I recognized from my education as the fetal ejection reflex (FER). I told Claire that I felt my body pushing!

 

I had learned about the FER a couple years ago. Allowing it to activate in my body was absolutely part of my birth goals, as I knew it would make pushing so much easier. I had thought that the initiation of the FER signaled that birth would come in 30 seconds or so, but I still had a few minutes to go. There was time for Claire to say “Should I get Caleb?” Yes, definitely get Caleb!


He had not napped after all, and he didn’t fully grasp what was happening in my room. He texted his mom at 11pm to say that we had called the midwife before sauntering over to join us where I was laboring. He basically walked into the birth as it was happening.


None of us were afraid. There may have been adrenaline coursing through Caleb, maybe Claire, but I think all of us trusted what was happening. My midwife Morgan, her assistant, and myself had all had a feeling that mine would be a quick and straightforward birth. And, while it didn’t come to mind in the moment, I had taken heart from something Morgan had told me. “Whenever a birth goes really quickly, it’s 99% of the time because everything is going so well. It’s because it’s an uncomplicated birth.”


The contractions I had via the FER were awesome. No longer painful, these were productive. I trusted these contractions and knew that they were bringing this labor to an end. I knew that my baby was coming. My body was doing all the work for me, and instead of anything like the pained wails from before, my vocalizations became much lower groans, timed with each push my body was making. At times, my knees felt very weak, but I maintained my standing position over the bed until the end.


There were maybe 2-3 of these ejection contractions - each with a few pushes -  before I felt the baby ready to emerge. At this point, I called out “I need someone to catch my baby!” Caleb’s would have surely passed out if he undertook such a thing, so thankfully Claire was there to step in. She had a towel and knelt behind me. Somewhere, Morgan was on speaker phone, and Caleb must have turned on the overhead light. There was a bit of a flurry when he came in and saw that action was needed, but I think everything stilled when the birth came into strict focus for all of us.


The head, then the shoulders, then the rest of the baby emerged. I felt no pain.

I heard a baby’s cry.

I did it.

I fucking did it.

I was flooded with pride and self confidence!

And then I saw the bundle Claire was holding up to me from between my legs.

A baby!

Oh my god, a baby!


I almost couldn’t believe it. It was suddenly so real, so tangible! A baby! I did all that - my body did all that, and I get to have a baby at the end!?


Holding the child to my belly, I laid back on the bed riding a surge of hormones through laughter and tears for what felt like 3 minutes. I was flooded with positive emotions. I was so, so happy, and I could have stayed there a long time in bliss, but Caleb and Claire wanted to get things a bit more rearranged for the umbilical cord’s sake.


I was saying, “I did it! I did this!”
Caleb was saying, “You did it! I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of you.”


Laying down a chux pad on the bed, I got comfy and cozy with a blanket over me and the babe. There was some cleaning done around me, but there wasn’t much mess at this time. My waters never noticeably broke - they must have just been on the verge of being fully absorbed by the baby, I think.


I held the baby and rested, and this was so good. Then I wondered what the sex of the baby was. Though Claire had noticed, she didn’t want to spoil the secret for us, so Caleb checked and told me we had a girl. A girl! I had been deeply hoping for a girl, though most of the people who knew me told me it was going to be a boy (even my midwife). We still hadn’t settled on a girl name, but we had time to figure it out. There was no pressure to worry or rush about in this moment.


Morgan asked a few questions over the phone in the minutes right after the birth. She was looking at the clock on her car dashboard when she heard the first baby cries - 11:09pm.

 

 


Chapter 5

I was resting with the baby in my arms. There must have been some chatter here and there, there must have been adrenaline still pulsing through all three of us adults, but the atmosphere was one of happiness, surprise, safety, and awe.

 

Claire had never caught a baby before. I asked her later if she felt too out of her depth. She said, “I can confidently say I don't think there was an ounce of fear felt in that room during or after her birth - just steadiness and sureness in her delivery -  and I felt absolute delight, awe, and amazement of you, her, and what just transpired afterward. I love the hour following her birth and the happy tears, the recounting of events and Caleb telling you repeatedly how proud he was of you.”


When I later asked Caleb if he had been afraid, he told me, “Everything happened too fast for me to be afraid. I was mostly just in shock. Things went from ‘oh, okay, the midwife’s on the way, everything’s going smoothly,’ to ‘there’s a baby’ so fast!”


When Morgan arrived 15 minutes after Baby Girl, there was a bit more activity, but everything was still peaceful. I still sat and rested, now with the baby nursing with a good latch.


After some time, we checked the umbilical cord to see if it had stopped pulsing. I cut the cord and Morgan asked if I’d like her to feel for where the placenta was. When she informed me it was in the birth canal, ready to come out, I handed Baby to Caleb and moved to the bathroom where the placenta emerged with no fuss. I got in the shower to clean off while chatting with Morgan. Everything felt so relaxed and normal. Claire helped be a bit after my shower with drying off and such, and when I returned to the bedroom, I got to be comfy again, all nice and clean.


Morgan conducted Baby’s health exam on the bed with Caleb taking down the notes on his phone. He and I both breathed hidden, shaky sighs of relief with the news of a perfect health check. (Neither of us had realized the fullness of our secret fears of medical complications.) After this, he mentioned that, since everything was wonderful and I was well taken care of, he should probably get some sleep before needing to care for our older girls in the morning. After goodnight kisses, he left for the couch in the office again for some sleep.


Morgan, Claire, and I remained together a bit longer while Morgan examined the placenta. The placenta reflects the mother’s health and nutrition during her pregnancy - something I had put a lot of effort toward. I wanted the chance to see how healthy my placenta was, and we got gold stars all around. Morgan also pointed out that the top of my placenta was shaped like a heart. She either hadn’t seen this shape before or had rarely seen it and marked it as something special.


Baby was resting deeply, and Morgan commented that she would probably sleep most of the night. I said, “Well, then y’all should clear out soon so I can rest too!” Most of the cleaning had already been finished. All that was left was to tell them where to find the small thank you gifts I had prepared for them earlier and to let them tuck me in for bed.

 

 

Chapter 6

Laying down for sleep, in my own bed with my baby, with spare diapers within reach and everything at peace, it was perfect. This baby was perfect. My birth was perfect.

I had planned on a water birth, but with the birthing pool in Morgan’s car and Morgan's late arrival, that didn’t happen. In reflecting, I noticed how I had counted on the birthing pool to bring me relief and to help me get through the birth. I had put a lot of faith and hope in that birthing pool, in a similar way to how I had put faith and hope in my hypnobabies self hypnosis for my first birth. During that first birth, when the intensity of the contractions broke through my self-hypnosis calm, I had some panic and fear of the pain and asked for something to block the pain, which I received.


This time, having that hopeful birthing pool out of my grasp meant that I birthed all on my own, entirely by myself without any help but my breath and my focus. It made for an incredibly empowering experience. The birth itself was pretty breezy, too. I think I had maybe 25 contractions that felt “unbearable,” but I bore them. Each one was temporary. And I had a rest break after each one.


I’m glad mine wasn’t a water birth. I’m thankful for how this birth showed me what I’m capable of.


I had also hoped for our older daughters to attend the birth, but logistics had them in bed at the time. This was probably best, too, as all the adults were completely busy. Before they had gone to sleep, I think they were aware that “mom was going to birth a baby soon.” Caroline had told me, “I hope you have a good rest, Mom.” And then, first thing when they saw their dad in the morning, they asked if there was a new baby. Them getting to meet their new sister in the daylight was no less special.

Chapter 7

Don’t tell Caleb, but I think it was a secret goal of mine to birth unassisted.


I believed that my body was capable, I believed that my birth would be straightforward and that there would be no complications. And I thought, “I want to try this. I want to try this on my own.”


This is not me admitting to intentionally waiting to call the midwife before it was too late. I swear, swear, swear that was not my intention. I was in the birthing zone and had given that responsibility to Claire (who thankfully made the call for us!), but I also had a faster-than-expected labor. My contractions went from around 7 minutes apart to 5 to 3 much quicker than I thought they would. I chuckled later at how I had apologized to Claire for what was sure to be a long and boring night!


Regardless of the plans, the birth I received was indeed perfect. It has been such a gift of reclamation. My first pregnancy and birth involved the loss of autonomy over my own birth and body, not all of it freely given. There are myriad regrets I have over the birth specifically -  things I wish I’d known, things I wish I’d declined, things I wish I’d done - but here with this November 2023 birth, I reclaimed my sovereignty.


And of course it was a huge bonus that everything did indeed go smoothly. It went perfectly. It was unremarkable. Safe. Could not have been improved upon.


About a month before, Morgan had told me that she had nothing but positive impressions of how my birth would go. That I had put in the work and prepared beautifully. That the birth was going to go well, and it wasn’t going to be because of luck, it would be because of my preparation. I am thankful.


I’d also like to mention the God and saints I petitioned for a safe and healthy birth. The Theotokos and my patron saint, St. Brigid (who’s also a patron saint of midwives), were included in my birth team. I prayed to them often ahead of the birth and petitioned them for aid in the early stages of my labor, as well. It's been really special to introduce my baby to these women through their icons. (Plus, here's a side quest birth story episode for my astrology nerd friends.)

Epilogue 

Margaret Claire received her name the day after her birth. Caleb said it’s a name that you can really sink your teeth into. Paired with “Claire,” I think it’s beautiful. And, it’s a very happy synchronicity that she shares a name with Claire, our doula. Claire our doula who was there when I took back my sovereignty over birth and over my body.  


Settling in after Baby’s arrival was easy. My recovery was easy. In comparison to my first birth and postpartum experience, everything was easy. Margaret and I shared a womb-like cocoon in my room. It didn't feel isolating, it felt peaceful, with no obligations. My favorite. And in the protected postpartum phase, we asked for help and received it. We were given food, support, and check-ins. I wanted this season to last forever. Everything was just so idyllic. So romantic. So perfect. It very well may be the best time of my life.

 

 


 

Synchronicity

 

So as not to detract from the greater story of our birth, I've separated out this mini episode.

--

One of the summer months had me stumble upon the fertility astrology work of Athena (of Wild Willing Wisdom). Following the thread of curiosity, I learned that my fertile moon, the supposed time when I’m most fertile, is the moon phase in which I was born. 


Waxing crescent.


Checking the stars for my pregnancies, and oh goodness, both of the pregnancies began during a waxing crescent. Well, let’s take this as far as we can...

 

I went into labor with my first babies on the day of the 100% full moon and they were born less than 24 hours past its peak. My own birthday was the very next day.

 

Wouldn’t you know it, we had the opportunity to line up everything the exact same way, if this next baby stayed in until after I hit the 41 week mark. A full moon would peak November 27th, and my husband’s birthday is the 29th. If I went into labor the evening of Monday the 27th and the baby were born the 28th, that would be the most synchronized, congruent thing! All our children would be conceived during a waxing crescent, labor would and birth would line up with the full moon, and a parent's birthday would be the very next day.

 

Well why not shoot for the moon (ha) and reach for that full moon labor and birth!


November 26, my midwife was looking at the clock on her car dashboard when she heard the first baby cries - 11:09pm, just 5 hours away from the 100% peak of the full moon. This baby girl was born on the full moon and was even closer to the peak than her sisters. And, while this birth did end up happening three days before my husband’s birthday instead of just one day, I’m not bothered. I do have a smile for when I remember how he’ll be sharing his birthday week with one of our children just like I do with our other two.

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

As of late

A vintage English teacup holds dried lavender leaves, surrounded by lavender buds and babysbreath flowers
 

Hi there,

While there are many things I would like to write about right now, instead I will give a list of those topics that might make their way to this stage of a blog in the future. These are ideas or projects I've had swirling in my hand and out of my fingertips. I have been kept busy, but I've also - somehow - found time to luxuriate in personal projects and, glory of glories, reading. Reading for fun (the ultimate luxury these days). 

Things I want to write about:

  • My first experience as a freelancer: I've been doing technical ghostwriting this last month or so! I'm proud of my work and especially proud of how I've used this as a boundary-finding opportunity. Time isn't infinite over here, and I've found a good balance on maintaining my time-related sanity (mostly).
  • Sewing: I've bought a vintage sewing machine, had it serviced, and I've learned how to thread it and sew a line of stitches! I have a bold plan for my first make: a self-drafted open back tank top, with gauze, no less. I've thrifted many yards of fabric secondhand for toiles, and I'm so excited to get started on the learn-by-failing process!
  • Education philosophy: I'm 99% certain I'm going to homeschool my kids or at least do some mix of home-based learning and... and something. I'm sold on Waldorf as a foundation, plus forest schooling, and especially while they're still very young, Montessori. I have so many thoughts, feelings, and ideas about this, and I really, really want to find people in my area interested in the same thing.
  • Building like-minded community, on Instagram and in real life(!!!): I've been trying to bring a bit of a focus to my Instagram content in the hopes of attracting others with similar interests. I really want to find a tribe to join, but I'm also trying to build my own, at least a little bit.
  • Foraging: I've gotten a real kick out of crafting some herbal remedies this summer, and I'm reading a book about Southern Folk Medicine right now and reveling in all the oldness of it.
  • Paganism: The religion that's caught my attention lately, I've been learning about the struggle for freedom and power between the first Christians and the pagans, and I've been learning about how neopagans seek to keep some of the ancient traditions alive. I'm especially drawn to the holy days of the pagan calendars that mark the changes of the season.  I think that's such a lovely way to ground the passage of time - to connect one's life seasons with the seasons of the Earth.
  • And as always: books, loose leaf tea, houseplants, and the exciting new things my kids are learning.

Sunday, January 17, 2021

Well hello again

A styled flatlay of a vintage teacup over photo prints 

Well hello again. It's been a long time, over a year, since I've tended to this blog at all or shared a thought. I stopped writing for private reasons outside my control (it's definitely not the reason you think), but I think things have changed enough to allow me to come back and spill my guts to the internet again. I find myself having things I want to say out loud to someone, but I don't have an avenue for the things I want to say, that is, unless I pick up blogging again. There's just something about the long form, intimate nature of it, something that allows for more depth and study and time.

But, instead of going into some lofty thought or research, I need to catch you up on where I am these days! While I'm physically still in the same place (the same house in Atlanta), many other things have changed since--goodness--May 2019.

Big Deal Life Stuff

  1. I did, in fact, birth the children I was carrying in my last post. We didn't know their sex before they were born (because, with the pregnancy being a surprise at all, and then twins ohmygod, why not have another big surprise tossed in?), and it was a (complex) joy to welcome two girls to the family. They were not healthy girls, I'm afraid, but Caroline's problem of not breathing outside the womb was sorted within a day and Emma Jane's congenital deformities (I prefer "facial differences" and will be using that term in the future) are being well managed. Yeah, it's been a trip.
  2. I also quit my job. I quit my job coincidentally a week into our shelter-in-place order, but I had already made the decision that it was more mental difficulty than I wanted to work part-time and care for the kiddos part-time, coordinate the extra childcare, make it to Emma Jane's weekly medical appointments, and, you know, sleep. This was a very heavy decision for me, and I still have days (almost a year later) of regret or longing, but I confidently tell you that it was the best for all of us.
  3. I'm a freelance UX Designer now... still waiting on my first paying client, though. You can read more about my professional progression here on Medium. I do hope you take a look, because I share about some things I'm very proud of. I'm tempted to write about it all again here, but I have other things to talk about at the moment...
  4. The four of us (because there are four of us now) stay home 24/7. Caleb works from home, and my work is the home, and besides when I take Emma Jane to a therapy appointment (and then my parents come to babysit Caroline), we're the only company we have. We've thankfully worked out a system that mostly sees to everyone's needs for space and quiet, but we're actively looking for a house with more space and hope to move this spring. We were actually under contract for a house we really liked this past March, but that's also when the stock market started to fritz, and with all of our savings in the down payment, we didn't think it was the wisest decision. It was an upsetting call to make (Caleb really loved that house), but just a day later, when the world started turning worse, all our friends and family and then we, too, knew it was best to pull out. Turns out waiting for a year has put us and our savings in an even better position to get the amount of house space we need. I'm grateful.

Lesser Big Deal Me Stuff

  1. I'm feeling more grounded in being a mother... kind of. Well, typing that out just made me feel weird inside, so I don't know about that after all. I think it's the word "mother" that has this sense of other to it. But I have settled into it. It has taken me a long time, but falling in love with my kids has helped it feel normal to be a mom. ("Mom" does feel better than "mother," though how fun would it be if my kids would call me "mother." And my mom could be "Grandmama." Because Downton Abbey... see below.)
  2. I'm solidly settled into the label of "agnostic Christian" these days. I truly am pleased with where I am in faith and my spirituality. It feels right. It feels honest. It feels safe, not in the complacent way, but in the "I'm not in danger" way. I also have a newfound interest and something of a romance with the Orthodox Christian tradition, and I appreciate the sense of grounding and stability it offers.

Small Deal Stuff

  1. I drink a lot of tea now. At least, I think it's a lot. Some days it's 4 mugs, which would be about 8 teacups. Ah, and I bought myself a vintage teacup! I love it and hope to have an open cabinet for its display soon. I've been in a big English Breakfast mood for months. It may be the colder weather, but it's also just homey. I listened to Infused: Adventures in Tea this past fall, and I've been inspired ever since to curate a tea cabinet of the finer teas, but more importantly, I want to make a permanent shift toward fair trade teas. Rishi tea is my current favorite along with the UK-based Rare Tea Company.
  2. I find myself saying things like "I find myself" and "would that one could." I've been watching a lot of Downton Abbey again and make sure to stay abreast of new seasons of Call the Midwife on Netflix, and Pride and Prejudice will probably join one of my evenings soon. Oh, and I also stopped using the double space between sentences! (I, for one, did not see that coming, but you can thank Medium's content style guide and universal default for this.)
  3. I keep seeing handicrafts and illustrations on Instagram and think, "oh I want do that, oh I could do that," when of course the accounts that now fill my feed are from practiced crafters. Nevertheless, I've decided to start breaking into the world of... embroidery! Once a double set of stitch practice patterns arrive, I'll have 3 hoops to embroider, and I'm excited and just a little intimidated to get started. I have dreams of one day sewing clothes for my children and myself. My imaginations always include me being very good at it, but I don't even have a place to put a sewing machine if I even had one yet. (That's another goal I'm hoping our new house will fulfill.)

The Future of This Blog?

  1. Well I won't be writing much about my shifting theology on this blog anymore (I think?), because I have a tightknit, (and most notably) safe online community for that now. No need to expose my heresises for the audience to judge, though I may throw in some healthy critique of the mainstream American Evangelical church here and there. Gotta keep in the good company of Beth Moore, ya know? (Love that woman.)
  2. Above, I mentioned my professional progression post on my Medium account. I've been writing there about more career-related goings on, and I have been able to earn some money from it! It's funny thinking back to how I tried to monetize this blog, back in the day. I still would like to earn something from the time and energy I invest into this, but I'm not going to bother with it. Marketing is a bother, optimizing is a bother, and analyzing is a bother. So here we are, just us and this.
  3. Truly, I'd love to hear if there's anything you'd like me to write about. Perhaps I'll share our progress with Emma Jane's feeding difficulties and how we now have her on a blenderized diet (basically, we make smoothies for her to eat and then use large syringes to push them through her feeding tube into her stomach). Or I'll write about what my amateur eco-friendly minimalism looks at this point in my life. Parenting philosophies. My homemade spaghetti sauce recipe. General frustrations with society. In my mind, this blog will be a space for all the things that I'd like to write on the microblogging Instagram platform, but I can't really find a good image to go with it or I really can't boil the content down to fit within the character limit.
  4. I'm not really sure about what to do for the usual post image I like to include. I don't always have a good option on hand, so I might dip into pictures from Unsplash. We'll see how that goes.
  5. Last thing: hosting. I dislike the Blogger platform, even more now than I did in 2019. While I've made some nice custom changes, I'd prefer to have my own url for this blog. LindsayEryn.com is already taken, by me, for my professional portfolio (badly in need of some updates), though, so I can't use that. I'm really not sure what direction to go in, though. My mind can't see that far ahead, it's like the door is closed. I really have no idea what to do. What do you think?

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Chances are, if you're reading this, you also follow me elsewhere on social media or we're real life friends, so you've likely already been caught up on all the rest. But, are you still reading blogs these days? If you are, how are you reading blogs these days? Does anyone still use Bloglovin? RSS feeds? Email newsletters? How are you and I going to do this?

Friday, May 31, 2019

My chosen resources for pregnancy

Foxes and asparagus fern posed as a pregnancy announcement for twins


If you follow me on Instagram, you've likely seen me talk a bit about being surprised by pregnancy, which was only outdone by being surprised by twins. TL;DR I'm carrying twins who will probably arrive in August, and no, twins do not run in the family. We don't know the sex of our kiddos yet, because why not get one more surprise, right?

I thought it would be at least another year before I became a mom, and being flung into the pregnancy process and preparation has been a whirlwind with almost every negative emotion you could think of. I may talk more about my emotional atmosphere of this pregnancy later, because mine is a story I haven't heard before, but today we'll stick with the practical things.

These resources below have been a huge help so far. I'm no mommy blogger, meaning, I'm new to this and there are tons of more practiced voices on this subject, but the value I've gotten from these things has been great. Maybe they'll be great for some readers, too.

Books
  • Mindful Birthing by Nancy Bardacke  : This is the first place where my fear and trepidation around delivering was calmed. I can't believe how different my perspective is since reading this book. Terror has turned to empowerment, and Mindful Birthing is the reason why I am eager to have a vaginal, unmedicated birth and the reason why I think I'd be a total badass at it.
  • Ina May's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin  : Similar to Mindful Birthing, this book portrays a completely different perspective on birth than the usual. Ina May is an OG midwife who's seen it all and who shares her wisdom and encouragement. She taught me to trust my body to do what it knows to do in birthing. This book has the power to completely change America's prenatal and maternity care.  The first part shares birth stories (no twins, though), and the second part talks about childbirth, what it's like, how to make things more comfortable, etc.
  • Expecting Better by Emily Oster  :  I hate being told what to do anyway, but when someone's telling me what to do with my body, they better have a good reason. That's where Expecting Better came in. Emily Oster analyzes the data behind colloquial and medical pregnancy advice and then empowers you to make decisions for yourself on things like drinking alcohol, eating tuna, epidurals, and vitamin K shots.
  • Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman  :  This delightful book on French parenting was the first parenting book I read and has informed a good deal about what I want to bring to my family. I took many notes about "the pause," French sleep training, and creating freedom within boundaries. Here's a good recap of the book if you'd like to take a look.
  • Cribsheet by Emily Oster  : Emily Oster's second book digs into the research again, but this time with how parenting choices impact kids in the short-term and long-term. (It's also funny.)

Tangible Things
  • Hypnobabies classes  :  A friend of mine recommended a hypnobabies birthing class, and I'd remembered Rubyellen from Cakies sharing how her hypnobirthing classes were amazing for her. I decided to try it. The self-induced hypnosis used in this method has been used as anesthesia substitute for surgery patients, and using the same technique for birth seems to be a great path toward a comfortable, even pleasurable birth. I'm looking forward to trying it in real life!
  • Yoga and my studio  : The teachers and students at my yoga studio have been a huge encouragement. Many days I've not wanted to get out of bed because my body felt so blah. Showing up to the mat and being welcomed by smiling faces who encourage me at every turn has kept wind in my sails.
  • An OB I agree with  : Not-fun fact : pregnancies with multiples (twins or more) are automatically considered high risk in the medical field. There are more opportunities for complications, including emergency c-section, which leads to a lot more hovering of care providers and being required to deliver in the operating room, just in case. I see the reasoning behind these measures, but I also see room for more flexibility in some areas. In my 5th month, I found and switched to an OB who I better align with. I'll still have to birth in the OR, but he's happy to make a lot more accommodations than the usual doctor, as long as things are going well. He's also less trigger happy with c-sections, and I believe he's my best bet for a vaginal twin birth in Atlanta. Having him on the team, I feel so much more comfortable and relieved.
  • Maternity clothes  :  
    • For early on, the ponytail holder trick will allow you to wear your pants for longer.
    • Bra extenders were a great investment.  Amazon sells small packs of them.
    • There are tons of maternity clothes options out there, and I'd like to add  the Storq leggings and dress to the list of the good ones. (The bra, tunic, and pencil skirt I wasn't as big a fan of.)
    • Being pregnant during Georgia summers with a huge belly compelled me to stock up on long flowy dresses.  I have this, this, and this one.  (This is one area where I let my eco-conscious goals fall into second place in favor of cost and convenience.)
    • Another huge recommendation : secondhand clothing!
    • Lastly, as a small effort intrying to keep my wardrobe sustainable, I try to find stuff I'd feel comfortable wearing after birth, too, like long tanks or flowy dresses. I wish myself luck in getting through this without having to drop too much cash and without having to look frumpy.   (See my Pinterest board of actually cute maternity clothes.) 
  • Other  :  While I'm not sure how these things will impact my birthing yet, I regular do these things that were recommended to me both by a close friend and my hypnobabies instructor.
    • Drink red raspberry leaf tea : This tea supports uterine health both pre- and post-birth.
    • Lots of squats and/or wall sits : This strengthens pushing muscles.
    • Perineal massage : This helps stretch the body for the kid's way out.
    • Hiring a doula : This helps cultivate a calm, respectful, and iterative environment for birthing.

Twin-Specific Things
  • (Book) What to Do When You're Having Two by Natalie Diaz  :  Finally, a book for twin moms that isn't lame, that talks about the important stuff, and that gives me the information I actually need!  Diaz is very by the book (I'm not), but she also shares a lot of useful information and tips that I'd never thought of before.
  • (Online community & blog) Twiniversity  : Everything here is twin-specific and was founded by Natalie Diaz, author of the book I described above.  They have online forums, a so-so podcast, and kind of helpful blog posts, all created by and for parents of twins.
  • (Online community & blog) Lucy's List  :  Lucy's List has a mom-of-multiples (MOM) email drip campaign that has been helpful and informative.  Here's their Twin page.  I also love their huge spreadsheet of twin-specific nursery recommendations.  This spreadsheet is intense, and it took me weeks to go through everything, but a lot of my nursery and gear decisions were informed by this sheet.
  • (Podcast episodes)  :  Here are some twin-related episodes of The Birth Hour podcast I found empowering and encouraging.
Other
  • The transformation of a woman to a mother  :  TED Talk on this second "adolescence" for women
  • The Birth Hour  :  A positive podcast where women tell their birth stories 
  • The Double Shift  :  a reported, narrative podcast about a new generation of working mothers.
  • Baby Weight : The heavy truth of motherhood  :  Article on Medium on the burden motherhood places on women
  • Facebook groups  :  Good place to find lightly used gear, play groups, and encouragement
  • Daddy Up  : This is the least lame pregnancy tracking app I've found on Android. It's geared toward Dad and is minimal, but still fun. I checked The Bump and What to Expect's websites for weekly updates, but all the other pregnancy apps weren't my style.
  • Nordic Nursery Vision Board  :  Minimalist, gender-neutral nursery and gear inspiration
  • "God Our Mother"  :  A beautiful poem that elevates motherhood and reveals it as a reflection of the Divine
Have you read any of these books? Have you at one time been terrified of pregnancy or birth?  Comment below with your thoughts, I'd love to hear!